I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
