i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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