My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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