I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
