I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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