i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
