Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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