im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
