How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
