This is not my ceiling
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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