I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
