who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
