i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
