I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I can text with my tongue
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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