i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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