the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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