Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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