Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize