so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
