all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You ruined the universe
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
