Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
