I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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