I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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