put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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