Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
