I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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