I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
zippers are such a cool invention
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
