no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
