I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
