Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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