Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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