Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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