Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
