i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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