What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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