One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
