Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
