I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
