I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
