Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
