Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
