from now on my penis is your penis
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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