I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize