I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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