forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
