Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
