I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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