I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
