Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
