i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I enjoy the company of your penis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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