that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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