I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
