Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
