my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
