if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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