can u get pink eye on your cock?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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