Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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