I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
