please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
