im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize