Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
