Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
