come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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