i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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