I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize