he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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