Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
