i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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