What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
