If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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