How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
