We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
